So, some time ago, when I still lived in Florida, I wrote about all the wonderful things that existed about being single. I think I was probably 32 or 33 when I wrote that. This past December, I turned 35. For some reason, that changed everything. I think it was mostly because the day after my birthday (December 29th at 12:01 am, if we're being technical) it hit me that I was actually closer to 40 than 30, and I had a little bit of an internal crisis.
Luckily my bestie Natalie was here and we did a bunch of badass shit to just celebrate my dreaded birthday, New Years, San Francisco, and her just...being here with me, which was a huge deal that stopped me from sobbing alone in bed with my cat when I officially hopped over the hill, wondering where I went wrong and why no one but losers and psychos will ever really love me...
When you turn 35 single and childless, your doctor does start to talk to you about things like...fertility, for instance. Now, I know right now I would make a horrible mother and the only place for my baby to sleep would be in my bathtub - but it gets you started on this "what if" trajectory that starts to make you freak the fuck out. You wonder how much you will hate yourself if that time ever does come and you find you want kids but can't have them (I'm used to the inverse of that sitch). I also wonder who gets married at 40+...because at the rate I'm going, if it ever happens, that will be about when it happens. And who do they marry, when all the 40+ men are marrying the 20 something girls?
However, I am smart enough to know that I can't obsess over this. So, I decided to take some time and reflect, and spend an entire day alone (free day, of course - work days don't count here) and see how I felt about it. No phone calls, no internet (until now), and obvi no human company (full disclosure, I did answer like two text messages). This may seem ordinary to some people, but to me, it's not; I have too many acquaintances and am blessed with a few good friends, plus I live in a very active part of the county, so a lone day of actual activity is rare. Anyhow, this is how it went (with fun scale from 1-10 included):
11:00am: Breakfast at the Exchange Cafe in Oakland. Great place to ogle hot, poor hipster guys and/or make faces behind the backs of their equally adorable hipster girlfriends. They make a badass cappuccino, complete with foam hearts. I did allow myself a Kindle (also gifted to me by Natalie), so I spent a bunch of time sipping on speed coffee, eating egg white hippy power food, and reading Dave Barry.
Fun Scale: Definite 9. I love reading, I love coffee, and it was nice not to have to talk to anyone. I stayed for almost 2 hours.
1:30pm: Target. I get that a lot of people do this alone, but I really don't like to. I get confused and distracted and buy things no one needs, especially not me. I usually drag one of about two or three slightly willing participants with me, usually by convincing them they need something there (you always need something at Target) or by promising to get them Starbucks. It was loud, crowded, and I ran into (physically) my share of snotty nosed, screaming children. But all in all, it was actually better alone. Lesson learned. I got my shit and got out.
Fun Scale: Meh, we'll say 6 due to my languid browsing men generally refuse to tolerate.
3:00pm: Arrive at the gym I just joined, because I'm sick and tired of paying for yoga at snobby studios in Berkeley and SF, and I found a cheap gym with a pool. A lot of people don't know this about me, but I love to swim. I just never get the chance to do it. So, I did. Seeing as how I just joined and all I own are string bikinis, I swam in a ballet leotard which certainly wasn't ideal, but it was invigorating nonetheless. In fact, if I hadn't been alone and someone tried to talk to me or break my stride, I would have smacked them upside the head.
Fun Scale: My only 10 - for several reasons. I have to drive to my gym, and its like 10 miles away from home (unless I'm in the city, then I have one walking distance from work), so I blasted Katy Perry the whole way. I've been banned from playing that CD by not one but two men now. And of course, I exercised, so that's a plus. But swimming is actually fun, and when I signed up the chick was pretty clear no one ever uses the pool, so I had it all to myself.
3:45pm: My first time ever sitting in a sauna (at the gym, natch). Again, I was alone, and it felt like heaven. I also felt like I sweated out 10 pounds and a crap ton of toxins, so yay.
Fun Scale: 8, but only due to the fact I was worried about germs. However, I took a very thorough shower afterwards, before hopping back in the car to blast more Katy Perry without hearing anyone bitch about it. Also, I'm downgrading a point for having to meet my personal trainer (trial, I'm no sack of money over here) and she was literally one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, so I sort of wanted to punch her. More than that, I wanted to ask her why she was a personal trainer in San Leandro instead of walking a catwalk in Milan before doing blow out of a diamond encrusted vial in an outfit worth more than my car, because that is definitely where she belongs.
5:00pm to Current: Picked up an ice cold bottle of Pinot Grigio and a salad to reward me for my efforts. Got home and started blogging. Put on the Lumineers and listened to Hey-Ho like ten times in a row.
Fun Scale: 9 - but only because i'm tired and I know I've squeezed this day for all it's worth and it's back to the grind tomorrow. But for now, time to relax. Going to take the rest of my wine and go sit out on the back porch and enjoy this weather until the sun goes down - solo.
So, my intentional day alone was, overall, great. I didn't get lonely and I was the boss all day, no matter what. If this is what single life is like, so be it. I'm okay with it, at least for the time being...despite being old enough to actually need a fertility test.
If you love me, play the youtube video below and tell me it's not totes adorbs and I'm not crazy for listening to it 18 times and smiling like an idiot...every time. I think I might have almost cried once. Thanks (even if you are lying, it's fine).